The Terrapin Tarts

TMNT Roleplay, Fanfiction, and Shameless Fandom Snarkery
Home Page FAQ Team Search
  Register
Login 
View unanswered posts View active topics  

Delete all board cookies

All times are UTC - 5 hours




New Topic Post Reply  [ 13 posts ] 
  Print view
Previous topic | Next topic 
Author Message
Offline 
PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2008 10:45 pm 
User avatar
Full Time Tart

Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
Okay, people. I had every intention of retiring the badfic review business. I was going to live in a modest house in Hawaii, where I would lead a quietly elegant life of novels, beach trips, and various exotic puddings. I told myself I had earned this break. But, NO. Now I see that I will never be retired. That the job is never over. Not so long as badfic keeps coming through the system. Not so long as people with the writing skills of a down syndrome-addled gerbil keep torturing their Microsoft Word.

Meanwhile, what do you think make Ninja Turtles so interesting? Their colorful masks? Their home in New York? Their fighting skills? What, I ask you, makes the Ninja Turtles such a highly interesting concept, such a twist on the old themes? This is a deeply philosophical question, is it not? It involves genius-level thinking. I must tax my brain for the maximum of five hours to answer it. Fortunately, as this is text-based and does not factor in real time, you will have the answer much faster.

All the kids out there give up? Papers down? Good.

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TURTLES.

YES.

SHOCKINGLY, THE WHOLE MYSTERIOUS ALLURE OF NINJA MUTANT FUCKING TURTLES IS THE MUTANT TURTLE PART. OTHERWISE WE'D ALL BE NARUTO FANS, RIGHT?

And yet, people seem to love making them human. Turtles aren't sexy, I realize this. Turtles aren't quite as relatable as fellow human beings. And since the fandom seems to be composed mainly of young females, I suppose it only makes sense to change their sex, too. What the hell, might as well just have them sprout a pair of tits and a vajayjay as well. So what do we have? According to the title, we have Teenage Magical Ninja Girls. which sounds like a retarded anime about girls in Japanese school girl uniforms with sparklies that have sentai transformations into sparkly, shiny, ninja bimbos out to save the world from this week's retarded foam-costume monster. And NOTHING like teenage mutant ninja turtles! Nothing! Nothing! I can't grasp why someone would do this!

Hey! I have an idea! I'll write a TMNT AU fanfic, too! I'll tweak the characters just the tiniest bit! They'll be unicorns instead of mutant turtles, and instead of being ninjas, they'll be construction workers! And they'll be asexuals that reproduce by budding! And instead of fighting Shredder, they'll be going after an enormous vagina monster with garish pink tentacles! And it'll be made by Bandai and dubbed by Funimation! Doesn't that sound super-great, guys? Don't you just want to watch that over and over?

...Excuse me, I might need a few minutes to calm myself. Which you won't need to sit through, because once again, text-based communication!

The story starts like this:

Secrets...

Everyone has secrets. Something they know, that they keep from the world. Big secrets and small secrets. Some secrets, if known, would destroy the very fabric of society and humanity. Then, in the ultimate, chaos would soon rein. Secrets...


If everyone didn't get that, the author just said that everyone has secrets and some secrets are more secretive than others because their very secret nature might destroy the world, secretly. And after that, this is a secret, chaos would secretly spread forth with its secret tentacles and secret armies of secret secret. Secret secret. Secrety secret. I'm a Pokemon.

Translated, what this means is that this story is like the fucking Da Vinci Code, only with ninja girls.

But don't tell anyone that, guys, it's a secret.

Anyway, it starts off sounding like a weird blend of Sailor Moon and DBZ, with some super-awesome princess of a world of people who were like us, but different. Yes, those are the exact words. Like us, but different. It doesn't say how they were different. It doesn't mention if they meant culture or physiology or lack of fashion sense or fifteen sexes or penis unicorns or what. These people are apparently very much like us. But different. Also, they had powers beyond our comprection, which I'm guessing is a weird way of saying complection. Which means, I suppose, that they rocked at facials and makeovers. Anyway, a Vague and Nebulous Evil was plaguing them, and the princess worked up her strongest attack, Kamehameha (totally shitting you guys, it's never mentioned what the name is,) and defeated the evil. Unfortunately, her uber magic-fu flung her across the universe and landed her in Japan. That must have been a super-awesome makeover.

This is totally normal, guys. And oddly unexplained. Meanwhile, she found Master Yoshi, who was in Japan. I want you to take notes of this, guys. Master Yoshi was in Japan, apparently playing Ninja Master. However, the Ancient One and Tang Shen were nowhere to be seen. Oroku Saki was very much present, though, and was jealous of the nameless princess for being better than him.

It's at this point in the story where I realize that the nameless princess is Splinter's part in the story, and died laughing. Splinter is a PRINCESS, guys. A princess! She could join the Disney Princess collection! Splinter Princess! Splinterella! Sleeping Splinter! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem.

Anyway, we have the super epic fight scene, where Oroku Saki is like: "SAY IT, BITCH," to Master Yoshi, and Master Yoshi's all:"I FEAR NO MAN," and then, as everyone knows, Shredder killed him and won Super Ninja of the Day. So the princess fled to America and got married to a nice man, and never told him anything of her past except that she was from Japan. So we're guessing he either never found out what made her people so different, or he knew very intimately what made her people different. Anyway, Shredder hauled himself on over to America and killed her husband, so she went off by herself to the only place she could think of as a refuge.

The sewers.

Hold it! Hold everything! STOP THE PRESSES, PEOPLE. Am I supposed to believe that a magical shiny princess from the land of penis unicorns couldn't think of one decent shelter aside from a rotting, festering, damp, fecal matter-soaked part of the sewers? Am I supposed to believe that a woman pregnant with quadruplets could get through the delivery while living in a damp, cold sewer? STARVING IN A SEWER? Gives birth to four perfectly normal daughters? What crippled, whale fetus-shaped bullshit is this? Why isn't Princess Splinter dead? Why can't she die? Why did she have to steal Sailor Moon's backstory?

Anyway. She has children. They are all girls, and their eye colors correspond to whichever turtle they are meant to be the twisted incarnations of. And the names...woah, the names will blow your mind. Not only that, they will torture your tongue as you try to pronounce them. I shall give you the paragraph:

The first born, who had light blue, sapphire eyes, was given the name Leonniaya, which meant, in the princess's language, 'one who defends' or 'defender'. The second had ruby, red eyes and given the name Rayelle, which meant 'one fights' or 'fighter'. The third, who had amethyst purple eyes, was named Danyelliya, which meant 'one who thinks' or 'thinker'. Last was Micheliya, which meant 'one who heals' or 'healer', and she had topaz, gold eyes.


...You know what. There are no words. There is nothing but the numb, uncomprehending horror. I am in anguish.

I will stamp this as a TROLL. A TROLL. There is no way this person is real. Their penname is Jesus Luvs Everyone. NO ONE DOES THAT. No one but trolls!

I'm fleeing to Hawaii again. There is warmth there, and pudding. I only fear that I might be visited by some Splinter princess who defeated her tyrant with makeovers. Apparently they can land anywhere nowadays.

What happened to the damn immigration laws?


I'm Queen Tart of CARTOON TURTLE MOUNTAIN.


Last edited by Ivy-chan on Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:32 am 
User avatar
Full Time Tart

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:11 am
Posts: 235
Location: Some really hot melty place. Aha! IT'S HELL!
...I love you, Ivy. Marry me? XD I'll even move to Hawaii.


Baka Soku Zan - a motto to live by.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 8:01 am 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:41 pm
Posts: 435
"...All the good ones end in Ya?"


Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 8:25 am 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:51 am
Posts: 351
Location: Sydney
I think I've now got the image of penis-unicorns burned into my retina. @_@

I remember seeing the title of this illustrious badfic when it was first published and thinking, "holy freaking christ, this is just ASKING for it."

And behold the lambasting. It is glorious. :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:21 am 
User avatar
Full Time Tart

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:11 am
Posts: 235
Location: Some really hot melty place. Aha! IT'S HELL!
Kismet wrote:
"...All the good ones end in Ya?"


:lol: :lol: :lol: WIN.


Baka Soku Zan - a motto to live by.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:37 am 
User avatar
Tart Admin

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:47 pm
Posts: 806
Location: The playground of my mind
Quote:
If everyone didn't get that, the author just said that everyone has secrets and some secrets are more secretive than others because their very secret nature might destroy the world, secretly. And after that, this is a secret, chaos would secretly spread forth with its secret tentacles and secret armies of secret secret. Secret secret. Secrety secret. I'm a Pokemon.


For some reason this put me in hysterics. Which was bad, because I was 1) waiting on hold while a customer rebooted his pc 2) taking a sip of mountain dew.

The result was, of course, dew down the wrong pipe and sprayed lightly across the desk and monitor. Then of course as I'm hacking up a lung, the customer comes back on the line. "Are you okay?"

Yes! *gasp* F-fine! *giggle*


Embarrassing... yeah. But if you're doing badfic reviews again, it was SO WORTH IT.

XOXO

Winny


Top
 Profile E-mail  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 5:18 pm 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 3:09 am
Posts: 381
Location: In ur fandom, analyzin ur behaviourz
... and suddenly my day is so much brighter :D

D: Neko you can't move to Hawaii!! Who will I FANGIRL AT? WHO WILL SUPPLY ME WITH ANIME?? *flaps hands*

Kiz wrote:
"...All the good ones end in Ya?"


*DIES AND IS DEAD*


Top
 Profile E-mail  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 5:59 pm 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:19 pm
Posts: 500
Location: Up to my elbows in grease and spare parts
Oh Ivy... I loved this! I don't think any amount of burnout will stop me from crawling back to your badfic review theater like a drug addicted woman...

Ivy... you're my drug!


Rejected By The Sun and Moon, I Turn To The Stars


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:34 pm 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:32 am
Posts: 225
Location: Discovering the Mikey-gasm
Ivy babe, you're my hero. THAT my friends is why I squee over the badfic reviews!

And Kis, you made it perfect - like the cherry on top! Or something.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:52 pm 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:41 pm
Posts: 435
I had no words other than the sarcastic comment, but I believe I've collected myself.

It's one of those things that I feel kind of bad for enjoying. I think that's the point of it being posted on a more private forum, though. Insult-comics and MST-like humor are valid professional and artistic ventures. And you, my dear, are extraordinary. *bows to Ivy*


Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow - it empties today of strength.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:32 pm 
User avatar
Full Time Tart

Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
Thanks, guys. XD There's room down here in Hawaii for all! (And Nekotsuki, I would marry you, but it would mess with my swinging bachelor lifestyle!)


I'm Queen Tart of CARTOON TURTLE MOUNTAIN.


Top
 Profile  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 2:42 am 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:06 am
Posts: 759
Location: Sarcasm Land
Nekotsuki wrote:
Kismet wrote:
"...All the good ones end in Ya?"


:lol: :lol: :lol: WIN.


Agreed! :lol:

And the secret thing set me off, too. But I couldn't really be loud because my family is asleep. So I choked on laughter in painful silence. Ow.

But I also love:

Ivy wrote:
Am I supposed to believe that a magical shiny princess from the land of penis unicorns couldn't think of one decent shelter aside from a rotting, festering, damp, fecal matter-soaked part of the sewers? [...] What crippled, whale fetus-shaped bullshit is this?


Teehehe.

And also.
L_V wrote:
Ivy... you're my drug!
So very true.

You rock my socks Ivy. Badfics, however, do not. Badfic reviews = yes. Actual badfics = no.


"I do like a good maze." ~Master Splinter


Top
 Profile E-mail  
 
Offline 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:16 am 
User avatar
Tartfriend

Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:56 pm
Posts: 90
Location: New York
I am so glad you came out of retirement for this very special presentation. You rock my world on a Monday morning. And here's another person who snorted up a beverage over the 'secret secret Pokemon' paragraph.


This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker


Top
 Profile  
 
Search for:
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
New Topic Post Reply  [ 13 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum
Jump to:  

cron
Powered by Skin-Lab © Alpha Trion