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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:40 am 
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Full Time Tart

Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The author of the 'See Spot' series decided to branch out into fanfic. This story is written with the same eloquence and turn of phrase that those books employ, and they bring to mind a retarded, three-legged turtle trying to stumble his way along Literature Land. This fanfic isn't even funny.

Some badfic makes you laugh with its sheer idiocy. This is not one of those. This is just painful. It's sad. It's sad because you know the author probably can't help being so horribly lame, and no matter how often you slap them with Webster's and Elements of Style, learning by osmosis can never help. This is a Shakespearian TRAGEDY. I may be embellishing just a bit.

Anyway, it kicks off with Raphael being Upset. And I gotta tell you, I am sick of stories starting that way. I am sick of that trope, because it is not only overused in actual canon, it is overused to the point of horse necrophilia in fandom. What kind of healthcare program is Raph on? It's got to be some heavy-duty stuff, because the boy has probably worried and fretted and angry raged himself to an early grave. This sort of thing leaves marks, people. Won't someone think of his poor, abused blood pressure?

Where was I? Oh, right. Raphael is sitting there being upset about...wait for it...Michelangelo going topside ALONE. And Raphael isn't allowed to follow.

And that's awful.

Wait, you say! Surely if these guys are skilled and powerful ninjas and have been shown several times in canon to be capable of going out on their own and in fact do so routinely when they split up during missions, they must be used to such things by now.

Well, Raph is here to tell you no. Goddammit, no. He has to directly disobey Splinter because he knows that Mike's in some horrible trouble. They have a very close bond because Michelangelo of course thinks that Raphael is the Great Sky Mother that birthed the world, and all throughout his entire life he was practically joined to Raphael at the hip, which was really hard on account of those shells getting in the way. They're, like, BFF.

Raphael has to find Mike. Mike is gone out by himself and could possible be being savaged by any number of villains. Because of this, Raphael has to go out and search for his brother and bring him back. He has to bring him back because he's not safe outside alone, but Raphael is capable of protecting himself and therefore must bring him back. Because of this, Raph is bringing Mike back. Got it? Good.

The next scene is a little weird. It's not weird because of what is going on, but because of the sheer vague suckery of the style used. Raph follows the sultry sound of a baby wailing. He follows this sound into a compound, and this is how the order of events go: "Raph hears crying. He goes into the compound. He wonders whose baby it is. It is a turtle baby." Sounds like he's looking at a mutant turtle baby on the ground and wondering: "Oh, gosh-a-roonie! Wonder whose tyke that is?'

Now, I'd like to give our buddy Raph some credit for not being a complete imbecile here, but logically speaking, a mutant turtle baby? Unless your brothers haven't been entirely honest with you, darling, the baby is either another genetic accident or it's MIKE. Maybe he read Stuart Little too many times and thought it was entirely possible for a human to give birth to another species.

He finds out it's Michelangelo because of the conveniently-placed bandanna. I don't know about you guys, but that makes me laugh. What, did Shredder waltz over and put the kid down in a perfectly-lit alley and drape the bandanna neatly on the ground next to him? (SHREDDER WAS AN ART STUDENT. NEWS AT ELEVEN.)

So, Shredder pops up like, well, a ninja, and says that he let Stockman torture the crap out of Mike instead of, y'know...KILLING him. So, let's see. Shredder said that the toddler Mike wouldn't stop crying, so he beat him until he did. We'll pretend that turtle toddlers are kind of like human toddlers in that they still have cartilage bones and easily-breakable bodies. Why isn't Mike dead? Why didn't Raph find toddler Mike choking in a pool of his own blood? He was just beaten by a human blender! That's like sticking an orange in a real blender and putting it to pulverize and expecting it to be only slightly bruised when it comes out! That shell is not Kevlar! It is not mithril! Damn you! DAMN YOUUUU!


Whatever, earth!logic. Moving on. Raphael is filled with a surge of brotherly protection when he looks into Mike's crystalline, innocent blue orbs. He tells the Shredder, who has curiously not slaughtered both of them on sight, that he's not going to let him touch his brother. Then, he triggers a series of explosions with a remote that he happened to have on him.


...Scuse me, WHAT? Did this author just completely skip over how Raphael managed to plan all of this out, set up the incendiaries and program them to detonate correctly? When did he have time while he was looking for Mike? How did he know Mike would eventually be found there? Did he just see the kid, make an elaborate trap for no apparent reason, and THEN pick the kid up? Or did someone give him a fax from the future telling him just what to do and where to set it? And if that did happen, why wasn't there some kind of Butterfly Effect business with Raph trying to tie Mike to a chair instead of letting him out on his own? OR, maybe that's why Raph was so upset when Mike left in the beginning of the chapter! Because future Shredder sent him a memo about the alien raiders sucking out his brains and making him incapable of killing a child, just like that poor Voldemort fellow!

"Raphael, by the time you read this, I will have taken your brother into my custody. Not to kill him. Oh, no, that would be too efficient. I will have beaten him and tortured him and turned him into a toddler, but I will not have killed an innocent child. The aliens installed a degenerative Censor Chip into my brain and now I can only sing songs about flowers and make praising and open-minded comments about minorities and bow before independent women. I suspect Miss O'Neil is head of the organization. Please destroy me."

Last edited by Ivy-chan on Wed May 07, 2008 3:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:39 am 
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Tart Admin

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 421
Location: UCLA
I was destroyed by April's alien chips... she would make a fantastic brain-smoothing villain!!! And Shredder as an artist! Makes me think of the Technodrome... that was pure beauty.

Oh... I love it when fic pisses you off. It makes my millenium XD.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:19 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:20 am
Posts: 885
Location: State of Denial
I honestly thought you were making stuff up when you started talking about the remote, but...WOW. This review about had me crying with laughter. I love you, Ivy!

EDIT: There are now six chapters up, and a peek at the second will tell anyone that this person is pretty much plagiarizing Pacphys' story Spirit. While I am not a Spirit fan, this is even worse.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:35 pm 
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Tart Admin

Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:47 pm
Posts: 806
Location: The playground of my mind
Pure genius, Ivy, as usual. How did I miss this until now?

And Tori... plagiarism? Really, such language! The politically correct terms are "inspired by", or you could say it's a "tribute"!


Hey, Ivy... are you perhaps somewhat familiar with this phenomenon?



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