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PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:02 am 
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Full Time Tart

Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
Welcome back to Masterpiece Theater, the place I use a temporary reprieve for the insanity of the fan fiction I might encounter. This beauty I pulled out of the swamp is called 'The Story of Ralph'. What's that? You tell me that I've misspelled Raphael's nickname? Ah, that's where you're wrong, dear readers. His name is Ralph, not Raph, and he is a retiring, shy, sweet and gentle thing. He likes moonlit strolls on the beach and he'd probably enjoy Pina Coladas only if they were virgin.

Yup, meet Ralph. He's an alternate universe version of Raphael, who shares absolutely nothing in common with the canon version of the character. This should make him actually an OC, but sshh! That's not important right now. Anyway, he lives with his brothers in some apartment, they all wear clothes, and they were at one time circus people.

Yup. Teenage Mutant Carnie Turtles. In Season Five, we'll see their exciting debut with the Circus Tribunal, led by PT Barnum and the people from Cirque de' Soleil. They'll each get glowing rubber chickens and ride around in a little clown car, trying to defeat the demon clown Honker.

No Master Splinter in sight. We find that this is because he never existed. At least that problem's taken care of, eh?

Okay, first chapter. Leo is a chain-smoker alcoholic who could feasibly be played by Bruce Willis. He curses a lot. He is entirely apathetic, or at least he seems apathetic. He does keep Donovan from beating the crap out of Ralph, but he probably only does it because his soaps are on or something. This guy is stone cold, rebel without a cause or actually even a rebellious attitude type. He'd probably wear artfully faded leather jackets and ratty jeans. He's that kind of guy.

AU Donatello's name is Donovan and he has huge anger issues. He's a psycho and a racist maniac. He constantly beats the crap out of Raph, er, 'Ralph'. He curses a lot, too, and he also has a tendency to pull crimes of passion on the caps lock key. "WHAT'RE YOU FUCKIN TALKIN ABOUT ME BEING LOUD? YOU ASSHOLES, I'M DON! I PITY DA FOOL!" He wears a black t-shirt, but I picture him as more of the white wife beater with sweat stains type of guy. He's the guy who'd casually crush beer cans on his head. He's huge and muscular and acts like he has that double Y chromosome problem. Angry, out of control, and murderous.

"If the name Don stands for anything, it's MURDEROUS CAPS LOCK RAGE!"

Sorry, I'm still shaking my head at that one. Once again, doesn't act or even look anything like canon Donnie. Doesn't have the faintest vestige of resemblance. You know what that means? OC. OC, BITCHES, DO YOU SPEAK IT? Oh dear, he's got me caps locking now.

Michelangelo is Sir Not Appearing In This Chapter. (Oh, wait, I lie, Mike was seen in the opening scene. He was excited by the television. This is the purpose of his existence.)In later chapters, we discover he is brain damaged and therefore speaks like a stereotypically brain damaged person does. Like Tarzan.

Raph is the shy, subservient, submissive, other 's' words one. He fixes things, like real!Donatello does. Unlike real!Donatello, he's a shivering wimp. He takes punishment like, oh, one of those Harry Potter house elves. He is a miserable, frightened piece of skin. He is tiny, delicate, petite, and abused. I can picture giant, staring, soulful Elijah Wood eyes here. Does he remind anyone of another turtlefic character? Yeah, it's another one of those Blended Family formulas. Only this one has the decency to actually mutilate the characters into unrecognizabilty as if agreeing that this is the only way such a scenario could possibly occur.

So, Ralph gets spotted on TV, Donovan has a Psycho Moment and goes postal on him, Leo manages to pull him off and sends Ralph out of the house. Ralph goes out to see April, and April goes: "Hey, you're getting the crap beaten out of you by your crazy psychotic brother and no one appreciates you at home. You should totally run away and stuff."

Leo's got a gun, not his katanas. He wouldn't have those, would he? He's a circus freak. If he had katanas they'd be inflatable or something. Anyway, he almost shoots Raph when he comes back from April, who is unlike any canon April we've ever seen, despite being nice and a reporter. Then he's like: "Oops. Warn a guy if you don't want a head injury. BTW, I don't care about you getting the crap beat out of you by Don. I don't even care about Don." He probably drowns his sorrows in Wild Turkey and Clorox cocktails every hour on the hour, while watching House.

Ralph sits in his room and remembers April telling him he should probably leave home because no one appreciates him, he's going to get killed, blah blah. Sensible advice, O'Neil, sensible advice. Ralph is at home to practicality. He is a turtle of science. (Shut up, you giggling peanut gallery.) So, he takes out an INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL. Actually, I lie a little, he doesn't know what it does. He just built the thing, after all. No, Ralph tried to make an innocent strobelight or something and it ends up an interdimensional portal.


Anyway, he figures he may as well use it. Because, seriously? Running away to another state or country or district? Normal people do that. Normal people MAKE SENSE.

He pops up in regular NYC. So, now he's in regular! turtleverse, stumbles upon the brothers, they have typical: "Duh, he looks just like Raph', scene, and they welcome him with open arms.

No skepticism.

At all.

I mean, sure. Ralph's petite and small-boned and probably looks like he likes to knit a few scarfs in his spare time, but you'd think these guys would be a bit skeptical. A LOT skeptical. The world is their enemy, or so we've heard. But you know what, I'm prepared to lay my disbelief aside for a minute. Sure, it's not as bad as people think and surely their enemies would never think to construct another evil, robotic clone. They see strangers? No helping from the shadows for these guys. They invite strangers right in for gingerbread and hot cocoa. Especially mutant turtle strangers. Besides, this one used to be in the circus and Master Splinter really likes balloon animals. He's welcomed into the family!

Stuff happens in NYC. It's not interesting. Ralph gets a new room, he tells the others about his sad and misguided youth and his life as a horrible thief on the run from justice and how he always despised that life and wanted to live as a wonderful upright citizen. Everyone believes this because Ralph is just one of those guys that radiates goodness, honesty, and the American Way. Even if he IS as wet as a used Huggies. Even if he IS a useless piece of flesh masquerading as a character.

Anyway, back in the gloomiest circus family ever, everyone realizes that Ralph has fled the coop. Donovan reacts in a predictable way and explodes with rage. Leo could probably offer him a piece of toast and he'd explode with rage. This is the kind of guy who'd even find an orgasm infuriating. Don is angry. Humongously angry. And he curses a lot. Clearly a sign of an unbalanced mind.

Mike, who is painfully retarded and must convey his emotions and ideas using the simple broad stroke palette of Tarzan Speak, indicates that Ralph might have left the dimension through his cool strobe light. He says: "He go through light." Really, author, no need to restrain yourself. Go ahead and add the 'dur-hur' at the end, and give him a little clown short bus while you're at it. God, it's like they're all twisted and awful fun house versions of themselves. Except for Leo, he just seems angry and jaded. Probably living with Angry, Dopey, and Mope has affected his brain negatively.

So, they step into the wonderful land of Oz gloomy cities of New York, and go off on a search for their brother. The other brothers end up finding them, and they have one of those 'oh, you're the evil other family we are not affiliated with, boo, hiss', only they decide to take these jokers right where their emotionally abused and tormented brother is. And so they do, tra la la.

Cue family meeting. REVELATIONS! Leo is not really a Bruce Willis apathetic wannabe! No, he's really concerned and protective and deep and stuff! He just never wanted to be the leader, because he's not the oldest! Mike's the oldest, it's his job to lead! If he weren't so braindead now, he'd be leading them all! (And by the way, isn't it perfect to have Michelangelo as the leader of the motley crew of circus misfits and not a team of warriors?) And wah, cry me a river, you whiny baby! Suck it up! Anyway, Leo gets kicked out once Don wakes up and pulls one of his epic shitfits, they both get booted off the island and into the rooms that they've been given.

Raph, who has been ill all story, goes into a swoon. They thought previously it was his fractured skull, but now he's proven to have cancer. Oh, god, cancer? Seriously? Cancer? This author has no sense of proportion, timing, or set-up. He can't seem to limit himself to just one dilemma. No, angst is like potato chips. We have skull fracture, abusive brother, alcoholic brother, sad childhood story with parental figures lost, life of crime, self-esteem issues, and now cancer. You know what, better throw in AIDS and rape in there too, since we know they'll be magically cured by the end of the fic. And drop the teddy bear in a sausage machine.

That's right, I said teddy bear. Ralph has a teddy that he talks to. Because he is FIVE.

I blame the cotton candy fumes.

This fanfic is not yet finished, and I'm not too tempted to stick around until it does. Although, I do wonder if we'll get to see Master Splinter watching everyone with a big tub of popcorn.

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