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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:12 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
So, the strangest thing happened to me. I was lying in bed, trying to flush all knowledge of the principal invertebrate phyla from my brain, and then this little fairy sparkled its way into my room and landed on my pillow. And then the little bastard BEANED ME WITH A MACE.

I know, I'm surprised, too. I thought they'd stopped doing that after Disney showed up with the PC treaty, but no. This thing yanked me off my bed by my hair and started threatening me with horrible and unspeakable acts of torture, (such as forcing me to learn Heartfelt Emotional Lessons), if I did not get up off my lazy, finals-drained booty and review me some righteous badfic. To which I retorted that I was not in the mood and had a headache. And so now, I'm totally on the couch writing this, because that fairy? Is quite possibly the scariest hunk of glitter-dusted cuteness ever to waft across the face of the earth.

In tribute to the recent rapefic wank at turtlecest, the badfic I review will be just that. This is no ordinary rapefic, my friends. Oh no. Not only does it handle the delightfully popular subject of humiliating buttrape, but it has the special added bonus of watersports as well. This is pretty explicit stuff, people.

I must advise that anyone with a weak stomach should please leave this theater immediately. The exit doors are clearly marked with red, neon signs, and I'd like to inform everyone that the management is not responsible for any mental, physical, spiritual, or creative injuries you may sustain in the sporking of this abomination.

Oh, someone grab me a jumbo-sized bucket of kneadable erasers and a large white-out with soda water? No ballpoint pens, though, they go straight to my hips. Right. Thanks kindly.

So, there's this new fandom sensation that's sweeping the turtlecest nation, and that is 'mating season'.

'Mating season' is a really funny way to spell 'insufferable attempt to ignore plot and realistic characterization and forego any attempt at realism by coming up with a convenient excuse to have the brothers rape each other consequence-free'.

Yes, you heard me. The brothers are pretty much raping each other and either Splinter sits around with his thumb up his ass or just plain out isn't mentioned at all. People, can you do NOTHING else? Can't you write something a little more up-beat? Barring that, something plausible? Oh, and while you're at it...write incest like it's two siblings doing each other. I keep reading this stuff and thinking I could totally replace the characters involved with two people who aren't even related, and not a single dynamic of the relationship would be changed. This is BAD. This is bland, formulaic rapefic TRIPE, and it fills me with a burning rage unlike any other I have felt for at least the last five minutes!

Dude, if they have the willpower and concentration to be able to sink themselves into a deep meditative state and breathe in an almost zero-level oxygen zone? They can probably handle not raping each other. Hell, they'd probably go their separate ways during mating season, if it was a problem. Barring that, Splinter would have found some way to keep them from causing each other life-lasting trauma because, um, he's all about keeping them a functional team unit. And a functional team unit can't FUNCTION with TRUST ISSUES.

Not that they'll have any with mating season rape. It's like band camp.

Anyway, the story begins with Raph strutting around like the oversexed douchebag he is wont to be in fanfiction. He spots Leonardo being responsible and meditating away his earthly, lustful, mating season passions and views this with much derision and a hint of creeptastic sexual molester vibe.

They engage in a thrillingly intellectual discourse about how grand it would be, old chap, if Raphael were to possibly have sex with Leonardo right there. On the floor. Multiple times. Because Leonardo is a dirty whore with a tight, hungry ass, and Raph has a huge cock.

Make a note of this guys, it's probably a key plot point, as the author has Raph repeat this any number of times. Raph has a giant cock. It's huge. It's got it's own center of gravity. People orbit around it. This guy is HUNG LIKE A MOOSE. In conclusion, enormous honking wang.

Leonardo is understandably annoyed by his brother's attempts to be the irresistably masculine seme. In what I have decided is a show of enviable self-control, he fails to point out that gravity and the conservation of blood flow would make it impossible for Raph to be that well-hung, and instead tells him to go get lost. For he is not in the mood. (Meanwhile, Don and Mike are supposed to be passed out from sheer post-coital ecstasy. I'm having fuckquake flashbacks, here.)

Raph counters here that he is not afraid to use force to get what he wants.

IMAGINE THE AUDIENCE'S IMMEASURABLE SHOCK AT THIS REVELATION. PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD ARE STUNNED. CAMERAS GO OFF. THE PAPARAZZI RUSH FOR INTERVIEWS. RAPH USING FORCE IN A SMUTFIC? CONSENT NOT NEEDED? THAT'S LIKE HEARING ABOUT THE TITANIC ACTUALLY SINKING!

OH WAIT.

So Raph uses his oh-so-sexy molesting wiles to force Leo to the ground. Leo is ruffled and irritated, but not traumatized by this behavior. He is growing steadily irritated by the wild and untamed sexuality of his brother, and points out that 'someone should teach him a lesson'.

Sadly, at this point, I'm actually rooting for Leo to turn the tables on this creep masquerading as Raphael. I'm seriously waving a tiny flag over here. GO, LEO. GO AND RAPE THAT...RAPIST. In a highly ironic and hypocritical way!

Meanwhile, Raph is stuck in blissful contemplation on how he always tops. Yup, that's him. Always on top. Apparently he has assigned himself the role of Local Lothario, and plays to each of his brother's kinks...which are the darkly dubious kind, like verbal abuse and in Leo's case, breathplay. Naturally. So, he starts choking Leo, and Leo kind of fades into happy oxygen-deprivation state, and I really start to wonder how many brain cells Raph had to kill over how many years for this to become acceptable behavior.

At this point, I figure I can give the author some slack. Sure, Raph seemed pretty aggressive. Sure, he pounced on Leo after Leo specifically turned down the offer of sex. But, here she has some strange kinky foreplay, Leo not really fighting Raph off, and in fact enjoying having the air choked from his lungs. Odd. But dubcon at worst.

Oh, no.

My faith in humanity is once more forced to retreat to its cave in hopes that one day a savior may emerge.

Meanwhile, Leonardo comes out swinging for the title of Lead Bastard! He suddenly rolls Raph off of him and threatens him at the point of his sword to follow his every instruction! For he is head seme, manly turtle among other manly turtles!

Raph very calmly points out that he has problems with having a blade at his throat during sex.

Leo replies that he couldn't care less.

I'm still recovering from the whiplash. I mean, this all started out to be a typical RED FOR RAPE HURRAH fic, and now we get Leo? "I'll rape you!""No, I'LL rape you!" I am half expecting the other brothers to come from the shadows and force their attentions on them, and then be followed by Master Splinter, who totally gang-bangs everyone, only to be followed by someone even more epicly sexy. In a strange circle of rape kind of thing. Or maybe they'll form this giant conga line of people attached at the butt, and make the ice princess Karai laugh, and Leo will be the new prince! (I was exposed to fairy tales at an early age, okay? I'm SORRY.)

Meanwhile, Leo is giving out orders to Raph, who is still being threatened with a katana. Leonardo has some interesting opinions about sex, topping, and domination. They are interesting because they are also Really Fricking Creepy, since he sees utterly humiliating a partner to be the way to strengthen the bonds. Yeah, Leo, because taking someone against their will and frightening them and threatening them with injury or death is the surefire way to start creating a trusting, healthy homelife. He speciifies that this happens when the submissive partner LET someone humiliate them...ignoring the fact tht Raph has a sword to the throat and isn't really getting any pleasant alternatives. This is a form of batshit so powerful, so concentrated, NASA could use it as rocket fuel.

So, Leo spanks Raph for being a naughty boy. I'm not joking. He totally spanks the hell out of him. Hard enough to bruise, apparently. Raph kind of takes this in stride, Leo gets all pissy and tells him that he is totally going to be the dom here and call all the shots and be Mister Big Cock on Campus. Raph is all 'whatever, I just want to get laid, you big drama queen.'

I am so, so amused. And also saddened.

Leo gives Raph a hand job until he reaches full erection. And then he squeezes his balls. HARD. And then he does it AGAIN.

You know, I have no words. I think I could have words for this if such words possibly existed in any language. But the sheer level of wrongness present here is a depth unplumbable by any line. I think I crossed my own legs in sympathy pain I shouldn't be capable of. In what sort of weird, distorted universe is this considered sexy? Leo, those were your own assbabies you just aborted!

...Okay, in hindsight (HA HINDSIGHT) that makes a twisted kind of sense.

I still need another bag of erasers.

Raph is understandably in agony, Leo is just busy taunting Raph's inability to hold an erection while he is going through intense genital agony. You know, I give up rooting for Leo. Now I just kind of want the ceiling to cave in on them and a stalactite to conveniently lodge itself in Leo's ass.

Speaking of asses, Leo decides that now is the time for Raph to break his butt-hymen, and denying him any lubrication and very minimal preparation, he shoves himself right in there. Raph is crying. *I* am crying. Due to a time warp, baby Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, the Holy Spirit, and Kali are all sobbing over their heavenly chess game. Aphrodite just hanged herself in the corner, and she is not just crying, but going through AGONIZING CONTORTIONS.

But then a sentence or so down, Raph is churring in pleasure and telling Leo to jerk his dick. Yeah. I got nothing. Nothing but miles and miles of my undying hatred.

Leo gets all pissy about this again, since Raph is clearly not understanding his position as terrified rape victim. I don't blame him at this point, the boy keeps on switching back and forth from liking it to being in agony. It's like someone keeps flicking his on and off switch!

So, what does Leo do? What is the Fearless Leader's logical course of action?

He pisses in Raph. I say this again. While his dick is still buried up Raph's ass, he, to quote the author, 'uses him as his urinal' to really hammer in the point that Raph is a bitch, a slut, a 'meathole', and completely objectified. He then tells Raph to suck off his dirty cock, jerk himself off instead of giving him any pleasure at all, and leaves him to clean up the piss puddle on the floor of his room.

I LOVE ROMANCE. I THINK THIS COUPLE SHOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

You know what, author? THIS IS NOT BSDM. THIS IS RAPE. This is yet another epic fail to add on this fandom's rapidly-accumulating KINGDOM of massive, epic failures! You have failed to make this scene realistic and in character in even the smallest way! I could tag the names Joe and Albert instead, and it would be fine! You have failed to successfully portray any emotions that would go along with a betrayal of trust this monumental! You have failed, failed, FAILED at making these characters sympathetic and recognizable as the characters we love from the show! You have succeeded only in writing something for sheer shock value and cheap, kinky porn.

I mean, if you're going to do that, at least be original! Until then, I'm printing this out and using it as toilet paper in tribute.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go regurgitate my entire reproductive system.


Last edited by Ivy-chan on Wed May 07, 2008 4:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:55 pm 
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Tartfriend

Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:06 am
Posts: 759
Location: Sarcasm Land
:shock: Wow... Um... Wow. I want to laugh because you're hilarious and the expressions you use are superb...but I think I've been traumatized too much to do that. I...wow.

Great job! Even if I am traumatized and haven't even read the story.


"I do like a good maze." ~Master Splinter


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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:28 pm 
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Full Time Tart

Joined: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:14 am
Posts: 325
Madame Blossom wrote:
:shock: Wow... Um... Wow. I want to laugh because you're hilarious and the expressions you use are superb...but I think I've been traumatized too much to do that. I...wow.

Great job! Even if I am traumatized and haven't even read the story.


Someday, I will find a way to make the audience TRULY feel my pain. :twisted:


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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:31 pm 
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Tartfriend

Joined: Tue Feb 19, 2008 1:47 am
Posts: 326
Location: Philadelphia PA
OUCH. I have to give one teeny, tiny, iota of credit - I didn't think anything could make me actually feel bad for Rape King Raph. o.o; I hate it when the fics prove me wrong.

Also, I want a bumper sticker that says "Mating Season - it's like band camp."


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:48 am 
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Tartfriend

Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:19 pm
Posts: 500
Location: Up to my elbows in grease and spare parts
I read this yesterday morning when it was freshly posted (I think) I didn't have time to comment, as well as I really couldn't think of anything to say to that... Ivy, you deserve like oodles of cake or sweets or whatever your favorite dish is. Topped with money, for having to go through these badfics and rehash them for our amusement!


Rejected By The Sun and Moon, I Turn To The Stars


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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:42 pm 
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Tartfriend

Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:06 am
Posts: 759
Location: Sarcasm Land
Ivy-chan wrote:
Someday, I will find a way to make the audience TRULY feel my pain. :twisted:


:shock: Oh dear God. I can't even imagine!


"I do like a good maze." ~Master Splinter


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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 8:55 pm 
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Tartfriend

Joined: Tue May 13, 2008 6:10 pm
Posts: 70
Location: Ireland
Oh. God! I have actually read a bit of this fic your talking about. My torrence is pretty high, but even I couldn't finish this. It really was bad. And I was mortified when I discovered what 'watersports' (how can that be considered even remotely pleasurable?!!! I'm not that f*** naive!) were... after I was done saying 'Hi, there!' to my dinner again I had a cup of tea and thought to myself; that was the single most horrific fic I have ever read across all the fandoms I've read.

I think the only good thing about this fic (the eternal optimist that I try to be) was that I found your writing on the subject hysterical and actually helped haze out some of the trauma of reading the original.

I stopped visiting that com so often since that was posted.
:shock:


"Time and Tide wait for no one" ... so none of us are getting out of this alive. xD


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